When I was with my long-term boyfriend back then, something just made me feel that he wasn’t capable of handling things or being the man who would take charge of everything. That thought made me work harder, trying to prove myself at work, hoping that I could earn more, give myself things that he couldn’t, and feel more secure. This went on for more than a decade.
After a few years, I started to question myself: do I need to live like this for the rest of my life? I had hoped that I could just be a woman who is loved and taken care of. I continued with the relationship and continued striving in my career, hoping to feel more satisfied.
I didn’t know that all of this was slowly ruining myself and my femininity. I became more unstable in my mood and more resentful. The more I held on to that thought, the worse it became. I felt more tired and depleted, and he got softer over time, almost letting me take charge of everything.
When we bought a place and needed to get furniture or other things for our home, he would casually say, “Get them later when I have money,” and I would jump in and offer to get some of them. Deep inside, I resented him for not being the man in our relationship. I didn’t know how to stay soft, patient, and trust that he could handle things without me jumping in.
Finally, after forcing myself to stay in the relationship, I decided to end things after 11 years, knowing that I just couldn’t go on anymore. I know somewhere deep inside, I was craving to be loved and taken care of as a woman. Sometimes, I would look at other women and wonder, why can they be loved and taken care of, but not me?
I didn’t realize that all I needed to do was trust and allow myself to soften and lean on someone. I didn’t know that forcing myself to fight and push in my career and everything else had led me far away from my femininity and affected my health, with red-brownish patches appearing on my skin and my hormone levels becoming imbalanced.
After all of this, I have learned that I just need to be who I really am….the one who is soft, the one who craves to be taken care of, and the one who just wants to be loved for who I truly am.
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