I Thought I Needed Someone Until I Learnt to Be Alone

 

I stayed longer than I should have because I didn’t know how to be alone.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Ever since I was born, I had never lived on my own or done anything independently until about thirteen years ago. When I was with my family, I didn’t even have my own room or bed. I had to share with my grandmother and aunt.

In my younger days, I had a tendency to cling to people who were close to me. There was one night my sister went to her friend’s place for dinner. I called her about a dozen times asking what time she would be home.

There were quite a number of my friends’ families who didn’t like me at that time. They thought that I was too wild — I kept calling their daughter, asking her to go places with me all the time. I needed someone to do stuff with me. In the end, they asked their daughter not to get close to me.

Many years later, I met my then-boyfriend. I moved in with him after about two months together, without any hesitation. I was too desperate. Too desperate to leave my unhappy home and too desperate to have someone with me all the time. We ended up being together for 11 years.

When we got together for the first 6 to 12 months, I knew something was off. He wasn’t the right one for me. That thought was quickly replaced by all kinds of excuses. And I chose to stay. At that time, I couldn’t imagine myself living alone. Never tried before. There were so many things I was afraid of, but I wasn’t aware of them. On the outside, people looked at me and thought I was independent, tough, and brave. I thought so too.

After several years in the relationship, the urge to live alone got stronger — the urge to leave him kept growing. I started thinking that if I had been independent enough back then, I wouldn’t have stayed with him this long. I was scared to leave. A job opportunity then came where I needed to travel frequently. That’s when I began travelling alone to different countries. It was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

Doing that for a few years had changed me completely. I was able to travel alone domestically and internationally. I was able to eat, go to the cinema, and do many other things alone. Furthermore, I even stopped using social media. Over time I realised that it was the courage to be disliked, to do things alone, and to be alone that I didn’t have back then. Finally, my relationship ended, and I have been living alone ever since. I was never incapable of being alone. I was afraid of uncertainty.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION 

I occasionally write personal reflections for individuals who want to see their pattern more clearly. Visit Sessions & Offerings if you’re ready to face the truth more than comfort.

What are you willing to trade for the things you want?

My answer is simple.

Never trade yourself.

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It Wasn't Bad Luck, It Was My Beliefs

 

For years, I blamed fate for my toxic relationships. Then I realised my life was simply reflecting the love I didn’t think I deserved.

Photo by Jamez Picard on Unsplash

I used to wonder why certain things or unwanted things kept happening to me back then. After many years of questioning myself, I realised it wasn’t bad luck; it was what I believed in.

I was brought up by my grandmother and lived with a bunch of relatives and my two older sisters. My parents were never really there while I was growing up. That made me desperately want to feel loved by my family. I couldn’t help but feel unfair or jealous when people talked about how much love they got from their family. It sounded like it was supposed to be that way. For me, it felt like I needed to fight for it.

A similar thing happened when I was with my ex-boyfriend. I didn’t understand why he treated me that way. Every time, I had to convince him to treat me better. Deep down, I knew something wasn’t right, but I stayed for 11 years.

Many years later, after being disappointed countless times, I realised I was looking for love in the wrong places and from the wrong people. I am the only one who can love me unconditionally before anyone else ever could. I decided to give up the hope of getting it from others. My relationship ended about a decade ago, and I reduced all contact with my family. Although nothing extraordinarily great happened, my shoulders felt much lighter after that decision was made. After that, I couldn’t help but see the same pattern in the people around me.

One of my close friends was cheated on by her ex-boyfriend. For many years after that, she would end up being with men who cheated on her or mistreated her. Sometimes she would end the relationship before it even happened. Since that incident, she has never had a relationship that lasted more than 3 years. Her husband had also cheated on her before they got married. When she told me about it, I asked her if she realised why the same thing kept happening to her. Her beliefs changed little by little. They’ve now been married for 8 years with a child.

About 20 years ago, my sister’s boyfriend at the time cheated on her, too. She felt devastated and betrayed. From then onwards, she could never trust men again. Her partner now is a woman, and she feels more secure. My sister has never given men another chance since.

For a long time, I blamed fate, luck, and all, only to realise that the belief I hold deep in my heart determines my destiny and life experiences. Somehow, I felt lighter and happier after understanding this.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION 

I occasionally write personal reflections for those who want to understand their patterns more clearly.
If you’re ready to see what may be keeping you stuck, click here.

 

I Thought I Was Protecting Myself, But I Was Actually Preventing Growth

How “managing” my partner’s income for 11 years killed my ability to receive and his drive to provide.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Ever since I was young, I’ve been taught to protect myself by holding the financial power in the relationship. The surrounding women kept telling me that men can leave us out of nowhere and that we must always be prepared. His money into our account and property with our name on it — regardless of whether we are working or financially independent. That’s what I did.

Back then, I was fully in charge of his money. I managed all the bills at home, I decided what and how much groceries to buy — I decided where the money would go. When we bought a place together, I made sure it was a joint purchase. We were never married but were together for 11 years.

Frankly, doing so didn’t make me feel secure at all. The whole time I was worried whether the money he earned was enough for the bills. I only asked for things that I thought he could afford, by looking at the money that was left. I was budgeting and worrying on his behalf, which was not supposed to be that way. What I experienced was not what I imagined. I mistreated myself. I was being petty about spending money. Not only that, but I was resentful.

Being the one who worried about money prevented him from making more. He was comfortable with the amount he made at that time. What made it worse was he even complained that I spent too much — after all I had done.

His assets were never mine to manage in the first place. I realised that if I didn’t know how much was in his bank account, I would be able to ask for anything that I wanted — freely. It was up to him to decide whether he could afford it at that time. This was never my burden to carry.

I occasionally write personal reflections for individuals who want to see their pattern more clearly. Click here if you're ready to understand yourself better more than comforting words.

This was originally published on Medium 

Why I Stopped Giving Advice Unless Asked

No matter how much you want to save someone, your truth will always sound wrong to those who aren’t ready.

Photo by Aditya Saxena on Unsplash

I used to behave like a protector to other people. There were many incidents that happened in the past — mainly involving people around me. One of my girlfriends was the type to be controlled by the people around her. Her family treated her like a maid, and some of her friends would only use her to fill their free time. There were many times I felt so frustrated that she was being treated that way. I gave her some advice, tried to make her see what was happening, tried pulling her out of her situation, and gave her a wake-up call. In the end, she chose to continue being treated that way. The same thing happened again and again for many years — different people but similar situations.

Another time I accompanied my girlfriend to save a friend from being abused by her boyfriend. After that, we asked her to leave. She gave us many reasons as to why she wanted to stay with him. Again, I felt so frustrated and couldn’t understand these people. I thought it was totally a waste of my time.

A few years ago, my girlfriend was telling me about her trip with her family. She said she was the driver the whole time and her family was happily sleeping. The journey took about 4 hours to go and come back. She shared that if other people were to drive, she wouldn’t be able to sleep like that. She would feel tense and uncomfortable. I didn’t say a word, which I usually would. That’s when something hit me.

That was when I finally realised that, no matter how much we know that we’re right, it will only sound wrong to them. No matter how much we want to help others, it can only be done if they think it’s a problem and if they want to save themselves too.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION

I occasionally write personal reflections for individuals who want to see their pattern more clearly. Click here if you’re ready for truth more than comfort.

Right, But Not Right for Us

We have all the clinical data in the world, but it’s meaningless if it’s not aligned with what our body actually needs.

Photo by Alexandra Tran on Unsplash

                                                     

I have been on a strict diet for more than two decades. Initially, it was reduced in portion. Over time, it became selective and gradually became a habit. Frankly, I was very proud of myself for being disciplined and being able to maintain a healthy weight. Having worked in the slimming industry before made me confident that I’m doing something right.

I even treated myself successfully for certain conditions using supplements, as I prefer the natural way. Traditional Chinese medicine and natural alternatives have always gained interest in me, but it feels too complicated to go deep into it.

I consider myself a health-conscious person. I thought I knew everything, but it turned out that the habits I had developed over the years were slowly killing me. To my understanding, whole foods are healthier, and more energy is needed to digest them — which helps to feel full longer, hence weight management. Dairy products, cold, raw meat and salad, al dente, cold drinks, whole foods, and more — while these may be nutritional with many benefits, they’re useless if our body can’t absorb any of them.

Recently, due to gum infection and toothache, I was unable to eat any solid foods. So, when I was searching for different types of recipes for my diet, I ended up learning about my body type through the TCM lens. Honestly, it is not fun at all to not be able to eat freely as before. But because of this, my body has a chance to heal from years of being overworked.

We treat a food coma like it’s normal. It’s actually the body signalling something is wrong.

I have been on a “zero chew” diet for days now — which was initially for my gums and tooth problem. In the end, my overall energy has improved, digestion is better, bloatedness is reduced, my body feels lighter, and there is less brain fog. I have to say, it’s truly a blessing in disguise. I can’t be on a soft diet for this long, if not because of the oral problems that I’m having now.

We can have all the information, clinical data, evidence — thinking we know everything. In the end, they are meaningless if they’re not right for us.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION. 

I occasionally write personal reflections for those who want to understand their patterns more clearly.
If you’re ready to see what may be keeping you stuck, click here.

The Shadow Side of Support

Helping others often creates a debt of obedience. Here is how to recognise when support turns into emotional manipulation.

Photo by Qingbao Meng on Unsplash

Growing up surrounded by control freaks brought me clarity. Almost turned into one myself. Sometimes we use kindness, help and support to mask our controlling behaviour.

It could be when someone is divorcing and has kids to take care of. We stay with them, supporting them with money, company and shelter — the things that would make them feel relieved and grateful almost immediately. After a few years or so, thinking that they owe us their life, we began to order them around and control their personal life. If they refuse to obey, we’ll emotionally blackmail them.

It could also be gaslighting by telling someone that there’s something wrong with them repeatedly — lower their confidence and make them think that they have nowhere to go but to stay with us.

Control is not limited to a person; it can also be circumstances and events. Whether at work or even as simple as a trip to the grocery store and what to buy. We would plan how we’re going to get there, which route to take, time and so on — in detail. And if something goes wrong in between, we either feel frustrated or lost. We control outcomes mainly to feel secure.

What we don’t realise is that the urge to be in control, limits the infinite possibilities. When we’re focused only on a certain outcome, we unknowingly prevent the ones that are aligned with the real us, but yet to form.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION

What are you willing to trade for the things you want?

My answer is simple.

Never trade yourself.

If you'd like to explore this question through 20 everyday situations, you can find my digital guide here:

How to Live With Dignity as a Woman

[Get the Guide]

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Learning to Want

 

Suffering now doesn’t guarantee a secure future. I spent years saving for later, only to learn that everything we deserve is in the moment.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

I was mainly raised and cared for by my grandmother. She was a very thrifty and stingy person, so I was taught not to indulge or pamper myself too much. I had to beg or convince her if I wanted to buy something back then. She would say things like, I shouldn’t want the things I asked for. Slowly, I grew up unable to enjoy life in the moment. Somehow, somewhere deep inside me, I felt that I didn’t deserve to enjoy what I wanted back then. The food I love to eat, the clothes I love to wear, the places I love to visit, and the luxury items I want — I would still do them, but with a very different mentality, or sometimes because the people around me convinced me to enjoy certain things at the time.

Most of the time I would measure if it’s worth it or maybe leave it for later…when I have more money and so on. I thought I shouldn’t spend what I have. Sometimes I stocked up on things I use regularly, like kitchen condiments and skincare. But with the habit of saving them for later, I ended up keeping them for too long until I had to throw them away because they were expired — the bottles of sauces, the unopened boxes of products.

I hadn’t yet realised what I did, even after I felt the pain of throwing things away. I thought by doing so I was preparing myself for rainy days, for ‘maybe I might need them later’ practice. But what I didn’t realise was I delayed my entitlement to enjoy what I deserved there and then and yes, things can get better but we tend to forget that they can also get worse as we go on in life. For decades, I couldn’t enjoy, and I didn’t know how to enjoy them fully and comfortably. I had been doing this for as long as I could remember.

To be honest, when I denied my desires or pushed them away to be fulfilled later, back then, I could actually afford them with ease. Even after all these saving mindsets, life didn’t reward me with what I thought it would.

After years had passed, life finally threw me into circumstances I couldn’t avoid. I began to realise the chances I had back then to enjoy the things that I loved and didn’t. When the moments I can’t enjoy anything according to my desires anymore made me treasure the moments when I actually can, even if it’s briefly. Going through these experiences has made me start doing what I truly want and am able to do right here and now, instead of saving them for the future.

I realised that everything I can enjoy is actually now, in this very moment. There is really nothing to be kept for tomorrow. Nobody knows what’s going to happen to us in the next moment. Suffering now does not guarantee a secure future. Pain doesn’t mean gain.

And because nothing is ever guaranteed, being present in the moment is more valuable and more real.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION

 

I occasionally write personal reflections for those who want to understand their patterns more clearly.
If you’re ready to see what may be keeping you stuck, click here.