I stayed longer than I should have because I didn’t know how to be alone.
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| Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash |
Ever since I was born, I had never lived on my own or done anything independently until about thirteen years ago. When I was with my family, I didn’t even have my own room or bed. I had to share with my grandmother and aunt.
In my younger days, I had a tendency to cling to people who were close to me. There was one night my sister went to her friend’s place for dinner. I called her about a dozen times asking what time she would be home.
There were quite a number of my friends’ families who didn’t like me at that time. They thought that I was too wild — I kept calling their daughter, asking her to go places with me all the time. I needed someone to do stuff with me. In the end, they asked their daughter not to get close to me.
Many years later, I met my then-boyfriend. I moved in with him after about two months together, without any hesitation. I was too desperate. Too desperate to leave my unhappy home and too desperate to have someone with me all the time. We ended up being together for 11 years.
When we got together for the first 6 to 12 months, I knew something was off. He wasn’t the right one for me. That thought was quickly replaced by all kinds of excuses. And I chose to stay. At that time, I couldn’t imagine myself living alone. Never tried before. There were so many things I was afraid of, but I wasn’t aware of them. On the outside, people looked at me and thought I was independent, tough, and brave. I thought so too.
After several years in the relationship, the urge to live alone got stronger — the urge to leave him kept growing. I started thinking that if I had been independent enough back then, I wouldn’t have stayed with him this long. I was scared to leave. A job opportunity then came where I needed to travel frequently. That’s when I began travelling alone to different countries. It was the best thing that could ever happen to me.
Doing that for a few years had changed me completely. I was able to travel alone domestically and internationally. I was able to eat, go to the cinema, and do many other things alone. Furthermore, I even stopped using social media. Over time I realised that it was the courage to be disliked, to do things alone, and to be alone that I didn’t have back then. Finally, my relationship ended, and I have been living alone ever since. I was never incapable of being alone. I was afraid of uncertainty.
Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION
I occasionally write personal reflections for individuals who want to see their pattern more clearly. Visit Sessions & Offerings if you’re ready to face the truth more than comfort.
What are you willing to trade for the things you want?
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