How “managing” my partner’s income for 11 years killed my ability to receive and his drive to provide.
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by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash |
Ever since I was young, I’ve been taught to protect myself by holding the financial power in the relationship. The surrounding women kept telling me that men can leave us out of nowhere and that we must always be prepared. His money into our account and property with our name on it — regardless of whether we are working or financially independent. That’s what I did.
Back then, I was fully in charge of his money. I managed all the bills at home, I decided what and how much groceries to buy — I decided where the money would go. When we bought a place together, I made sure it was a joint purchase. We were never married but were together for 11 years.
Frankly, doing so didn’t make me feel secure at all. The whole time I was worried whether the money he earned was enough for the bills. I only asked for things that I thought he could afford, by looking at the money that was left. I was budgeting and worrying on his behalf, which was not supposed to be that way. What I experienced was not what I imagined. I mistreated myself. I was being petty about spending money. Not only that, but I was resentful.
Being the one who worried about money prevented him from making more. He was comfortable with the amount he made at that time. What made it worse was he even complained that I spent too much — after all I had done.
His assets were never mine to manage in the first place. I realised that if I didn’t know how much was in his bank account, I would be able to ask for anything that I wanted — freely. It was up to him to decide whether he could afford it at that time. This was never my burden to carry.
I occasionally write personal reflections for individuals who want to see their pattern more clearly. Click here if you're ready to understand yourself better more than comforting words.
This was originally published on Medium
