Helping others often creates a debt of obedience. Here is how to recognise when support turns into emotional manipulation.
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Photo by Qingbao Meng on Unsplash |
Growing up surrounded by control freaks brought me clarity. Almost turned into one myself. Sometimes we use kindness, help and support to mask our controlling behaviour.
It could be when someone is divorcing and has kids to take care of. We stay with them, supporting them with money, company and shelter — the things that would make them feel relieved and grateful almost immediately. After a few years or so, thinking that they owe us their life, we began to order them around and control their personal life. If they refuse to obey, we’ll emotionally blackmail them.
It could also be gaslighting by telling someone that there’s something wrong with them repeatedly — lower their confidence and make them think that they have nowhere to go but to stay with us.
Control is not limited to a person; it can also be circumstances and events. Whether at work or even as simple as a trip to the grocery store and what to buy. We would plan how we’re going to get there, which route to take, time and so on — in detail. And if something goes wrong in between, we either feel frustrated or lost. We control outcomes mainly to feel secure.
What we don’t realise is that the urge to be in control, limits the infinite possibilities. When we’re focused only on a certain outcome, we unknowingly prevent the ones that are aligned with the real us, but yet to form.
Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION
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