Slave to Money: The High Cost of Losing Yourself

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Money is very important, and we need it for almost everything. Over time, we become slaves to it. Many of us do not realise it, but as we focus on money as the outcome, we begin drifting away from our true selves. 

Sometimes, we even brag about how we got the money. It can be from working our ass off to doing something against our will. Of course, some even go so far as to commit illegal or inhumane acts just for money. When our pockets are full, we think they can cover the embarrassment or the humiliation that comes with it. We start buying expensive and luxurious items to feel good. At least we think that making people jealous of us or living a luxurious life can justify our behaviour.

We believe that’s how money comes. The truth is, we’re the ones who decide how we want money to come to us. There isn’t any standard protocol for how money can come. Not cleverness, not hard work, not luck—but choosing ourselves first. The key is this: when money comes when we’re not being ourselves, it’s going to be that way moving forward. And when it comes while we’re being our true selves, it’s going to be that way too. 

Only the latter is long-lasting and sustainable, because one cannot live as another person forever.

What are you willing to trade for the things you want?

My answer is simple.

Never trade yourself.

If you'd like to explore this question through 20 everyday situations, you can find my digital guide here:

How to Live With Dignity as a Woman

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Me First, Finally

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels

I never believed in quantity when it comes to friends. That’s why I take loyalty seriously. I have known my close friends for at least 15 to over 30 years. Some during elementary school, some in my teenage years, and some when I was working. I believed that if I treated them well and was always there for them, they would do the same. I was wrong. It doesn’t work that way. Let’s be honest, as human beings, we’re all selfish and should be. We should care for our own feelings first. I just didn’t care for myself enough to realise that back then.

Sometimes I wonder; why didn’t I get the response from them like how I would? I would always remember to wish them on birthdays, feel angry when someone mistreats them, and be there for them whenever they needed someone. It took me many years to realise that I was actually the one who needed all the support. I needed someone who would comfort me when I’m down, someone who would protect me when I’m scared—in short, someone who would be there for me no matter what. Instead, what I did was focus on others and at the same time, neglect my own feelings. Painful, but that’s what I did. I felt guilty for putting myself first.

A few years ago, I finally realised that someone can be me. I can be there for myself no matter what. I can put my feelings first. I can say no to anything or anyone if I don’t feel like it—I stopped sacrificing myself. The weight of being the one who always cares is being lifted little by little. Over time, I felt less resentful, less guilty and less responsible for others’ happiness. 

What are you willing to trade for the things you want?

My answer is simple.

Never trade yourself.

If you'd like to explore this question through 20 everyday situations, you can find my digital guide here:

How to Live With Dignity as a Woman

[Get Your Guide]

Be the Salesperson with Pride

 

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After being in the sales-related field for almost two decades, I concluded that, as a salesperson, we can sell with pride. The idea of being a salesperson wasn’t appealing to me at first. Someone once told me that as a salesperson, we must not have pride, and beg if we must—to meet targets—for the sake of the commission.

I was even more convinced it was true when a friend talked about how she begged and cried to her customers to close the deal. A few years later, after trying in the service and administration fields for about two years, I became a salesperson. Let’s admit that it was the fastest way to earn more money in a short period.

In the beginning, I took others’ advice—be patient even if they’re unreasonable, be convincing, bend over to please them, and many more unbelievable pieces of advice that I followed.

Over time, these behaviours were eating me alive from within. The thought of visiting the clients disgusted and annoyed me. My legs felt so heavy that I couldn’t bring myself to work. I began questioning myself if it was worth betraying my feelings for this.

Finally, in my last sales job, at the last company, I decided to save my soul. That’s when the realisation came. 

We do not need to betray ourselves working as a salesperson. We do not need to convince others so hard to buy something—if they want to, they will. If the deal is for us, we don’t need to overwork. We do not need to prove to them with tons of evidence that our product is good—they need to feel that we’re trustworthy.

Customers came to me, orders came in, and they were sharing my contact details in their community after I decided to stop chasing and proving myself.

Thankful, it has been the most relaxing and insightful few years of my career as a salesperson.

I occasionally write personal reflections for those who want to understand their patterns more clearly.

If you’re ready to see what may be keeping you stuck, click here.

Will I Take This Photo If I Don't Share It?

Photo by Miguel Á. Padriñán on Pexels

I grew up in a weird family with many restrictions. Cooking in the kitchen was restricted because of the greasiness; television was not allowed after certain hours at night, and the food we had was mostly the same every week. 

Being the youngest at home, it can mean growing up in loneliness. So, the best entertainment I had was the television. We didn’t have any subscribed TV channels with the latest shows. We would rent some videotapes (and later VCDs) for some TV time. Even that was very limited—about two or three videos a week.

One day in school, my friend was talking and laughing about some music videos on a paid TV channel. I had no idea what she was talking about and just laughed at her funny expressions. She looked so happy, excited, sociable, and confident. That was when I felt that I was missing out—I felt small and inferior.

Years later, here comes social media. It all started with my friends asking if I had this account and if I had that account. They started talking about the games, the features, the stories, and the lifestyle posts others share. Smartphones were not as common as they are today, and so we either had to own a computer at home or visit the cyber cafés.

It was not easy for me to gain such access. Even my sister wouldn’t lend me her laptop back then. The fear of missing out in me grew bigger, and I would go to the cafés now and then just to keep myself updated.

Finally, when I owned a smartphone, I joined whatever social media was popular in that era just to stay close to the trend. Slowly, I noticed my friends or people behaved differently when we were out together. They would stare at their phones, swiping, as if they were sitting there alone. To be honest, I never liked that. 

I changed too. I would take photos of the food I was eating, of my friends and me when we were out drinking, and of the places I traveled to—sounds normal. Yes, and I did that for a few years just to share them on social media.

About 8 years ago, I was heartbroken after my relationship ended, and I noticed that I was checking him out, hoping to know what happened and why we had to end it. I went on and on for weeks. Frankly, I did find out the real reason and felt relieved, and in the process, it woke me up. I realised that I wasn’t being myself—I was clinging, obsessed. I even felt uneasy looking at other people’s posts—sad, angry, hopeless, and more.

This moment of realisation stopped me from all social media activities. No updating my posts, no checking out what’s new about others. I needed to come back to myself. When I did, slowly, questions started arising. Will I take photos of my food if I don’t plan to share them on my social media? Do I usually inform everyone where I am going or what I’m doing? The answer is no.

Why did I want to share them on social media? Was it attention? Was it showing off? Was it FOMO? And if there’s no social media, will I still do them? The answer is no. And so, I stopped doing them for 8 years and came back to myself. I love the quietness after removing myself from the unwanted noises. I still use them for online marketplaces or some work purposes. I use them as tools, nothing more.

I occasionally write personal reflections for those who want to understand their patterns more clearly.
If you’re ready to see what may be keeping you stuck, click here.

When Life Doesn’t Reward Doing the Right Thing

 

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Sometimes we think that if we are disciplined, responsible, and good… 

everything will go well and turn out perfectly for us.

We deny our needs and feelings and 

prioritise others, work, schedules, and deadlines instead, 

only to have life throw one obstacle and hardship after another at us. 

Yes, these are life experiences…and honestly, they’re painful.

If both ways lead to the same outcome, why not choose the one that makes us happy and true to our own desires?

What are you willing to trade for the things you want?

My answer is simple.

Never trade yourself.

If you'd like to explore this question through 20 everyday situations, you can find my digital guide here:

How to Live With Dignity as a Woman

[Get the Guide]

 

Not Willpower, Not Discipline - How I Finally Quit Smoking

 

Photo by Jill Wellington on Pexels

I’m currently in the midst of nicotine withdrawal, three weeks in now. I had been a smoker for 25 years and about a year ago, I started asking myself questions…will I be able to quit? And if I don’t, how much longer do I want to keep smoking?

Back then, I saw some people around me quit miraculously overnight, and that’s when I thought…ah…it’s not willpower or goal-setting. Sometimes life circumstances just throw themselves at you at the right time.

Throughout my smoking journey, many people asked me the same question…when are you going to quit? And my answer was always…when the moment comes.

Last December, life threw some circumstances at me that I couldn’t avoid, and I wasn’t able to buy cigarettes temporarily. So, I experienced my first attempt at withdrawal in my entire life. At first, it lasted three days. I believe I had a mild depression…the urge, the discomfort… I had to squeeze my hands and legs whenever the craving came, and I couldn’t sleep well on the third day. I failed the first time.

A few days later, the same circumstances made me face my second attempt, and this time it lasted four days. The symptoms were milder, but still unbearable. The habits, the hand gestures, the after-meal reward…they were killing me. And I failed the second time.

Finally, a few days later, for the same reason as the first two attempts, here came the third opportunity. This time, after several days had passed, the symptoms were bearable. There came a moment when I could have bought another pack and continued smoking, but I had a feeling that this could be the last opportunity to get myself out of this habit smoothly and with less stress, since it had been about four days since my last puff. And I made my choice…I was quitting for good.

I’ve now passed the third week and am feeling better every day. Sometimes the “ghost urge” still flickers, but it only lasts for seconds. After-meal moments were the worst at the beginning, but all of this is totally worth it because this was the best birthday and New Year’s gift I could have given myself. I can’t express enough how happy and proud I am of this achievement.

Noticing the environment around me feeling cleaner now enhances that feeling, and what other people think of as normal is now a new experience for me. No more worrying about how many sticks are left at certain hours, no more mentally calculating how many packs I can bring when I’m travelling…and so much more freedom in everything I do moving forward.

Frankly, I never regret smoking cigarettes for the past 25 years. I enjoyed it, and it accompanied me through all my thick and thin moments in life. It’s just that there are phases in everything we do in a lifetime, and this was simply part of my experience…one that I’m now moving beyond, into the years ahead, without holding a stick between my fingers anymore.

I occasionally write personal reflections for those who want to understand their patterns more clearly.If you’re ready to see what may be keeping you stuck, click here.

Fear of Being Alone and the Cost to Self-Worth

 

Image by  NVD from Pixabay

Sometimes when we’re being mistreated or belittled, it’s easy to think it’s their fault. But often, it’s us not realising that we are worthy and deserve to be loved and treated well too.

Self-worth doesn’t mean we need to be somebody or to have achieved something in order to be worthy. Sometimes it’s just as simple as caring about how we truly feel inside and being prepared to break off certain relationships with certain people, even if we once thought they were good to us.

Fear of being left alone is often the reason why we do not want to admit that we’re being mistreated. We even find excuses or reasons to rationalise their behaviour.

The moment we admit to our fears, that’s when we begin to gain clarity.

What are you willing to trade for the things you want?

My answer is simple.

Never trade yourself.

If you'd like to explore this question through 20 everyday situations, you can find my digital guide here:

How to Live With Dignity as a Woman

[Get Your Guide]