Me First, Finally

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels

I never believed in quantity when it comes to friends. That’s why I take loyalty seriously. I have known my close friends for at least 15 to over 30 years. Some during elementary school, some in my teenage years, and some when I was working. I believed that if I treated them well and was always there for them, they would do the same. I was wrong. It doesn’t work that way. Let’s be honest, as human beings, we’re all selfish and should be. We should care for our own feelings first. I just didn’t care for myself enough to realise that back then.

Sometimes I wonder; why didn’t I get the response from them like how I would? I would always remember to wish them on birthdays, feel angry when someone mistreats them, and be there for them whenever they needed someone. It took me many years to realise that I was actually the one who needed all the support. I needed someone who would comfort me when I’m down, someone who would protect me when I’m scared—in short, someone who would be there for me no matter what. Instead, what I did was focus on others and at the same time, neglect my own feelings. Painful, but that’s what I did. I felt guilty for putting myself first.

A few years ago, I finally realised that someone can be me. I can be there for myself no matter what. I can put my feelings first. I can say no to anything or anyone if I don’t feel like it—I stopped sacrificing myself. The weight of being the one who always cares is being lifted little by little. Over time, I felt less resentful, less guilty and less responsible for others’ happiness.