Why I Stopped Giving Advice Unless Asked

No matter how much you want to save someone, your truth will always sound wrong to those who aren’t ready.

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I used to behave like a protector to other people. There were many incidents that happened in the past — mainly involving people around me. One of my girlfriends was the type to be controlled by the people around her. Her family treated her like a maid, and some of her friends would only use her to fill their free time. There were many times I felt so frustrated that she was being treated that way. I gave her some advice, tried to make her see what was happening, tried pulling her out of her situation, and gave her a wake-up call. In the end, she chose to continue being treated that way. The same thing happened again and again for many years — different people but similar situations.

Another time I accompanied my girlfriend to save a friend from being abused by her boyfriend. After that, we asked her to leave. She gave us many reasons as to why she wanted to stay with him. Again, I felt so frustrated and couldn’t understand these people. I thought it was totally a waste of my time.

A few years ago, my girlfriend was telling me about her trip with her family. She said she was the driver the whole time and her family was happily sleeping. The journey took about 4 hours to go and come back. She shared that if other people were to drive, she wouldn’t be able to sleep like that. She would feel tense and uncomfortable. I didn’t say a word, which I usually would. That’s when something hit me.

That was when I finally realised that, no matter how much we know that we’re right, it will only sound wrong to them. No matter how much we want to help others, it can only be done if they think it’s a problem and if they want to save themselves too.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION

I occasionally write personal reflections for individuals who want to see their pattern more clearly. Visit Sessions & Offerings if you’re ready for truth more than comfort.

Right, But Not Right for Us

We have all the clinical data in the world, but it’s meaningless if it’s not aligned with what our body actually needs.

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I have been on a strict diet for more than two decades. Initially, it was reduced in portion. Over time, it became selective and gradually became a habit. Frankly, I was very proud of myself for being disciplined and being able to maintain a healthy weight. Having worked in the slimming industry before made me confident that I’m doing something right.

I even treated myself successfully for certain conditions using supplements, as I prefer the natural way. Traditional Chinese medicine and natural alternatives have always gained interest in me, but it feels too complicated to go deep into it.

I consider myself a health-conscious person. I thought I knew everything, but it turned out that the habits I had developed over the years were slowly killing me. To my understanding, whole foods are healthier, and more energy is needed to digest them — which helps to feel full longer, hence weight management. Dairy products, cold, raw meat and salad, al dente, cold drinks, whole foods, and more — while these may be nutritional with many benefits, they’re useless if our body can’t absorb any of them.

Recently, due to gum infection and toothache, I was unable to eat any solid foods. So, when I was searching for different types of recipes for my diet, I ended up learning about my body type through the TCM lens. Honestly, it is not fun at all to not be able to eat freely as before. But because of this, my body has a chance to heal from years of being overworked.

We treat a food coma like it’s normal. It’s actually the body signalling something is wrong.

I have been on a “zero chew” diet for days now — which was initially for my gums and tooth problem. In the end, my overall energy has improved, digestion is better, bloatedness is reduced, my body feels lighter, and there is less brain fog. I have to say, it’s truly a blessing in disguise. I can’t be on a soft diet for this long, if not because of the oral problems that I’m having now.

We can have all the information, clinical data, evidence — thinking we know everything. In the end, they are meaningless if they’re not right for us.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION. 

The Shadow Side of Support

Helping others often creates a debt of obedience. Here is how to recognise when support turns into emotional manipulation.

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Growing up surrounded by control freaks brought me clarity. Almost turned into one myself. Sometimes we use kindness, help and support to mask our controlling behaviour.

It could be when someone is divorcing and has kids to take care of. We stay with them, supporting them with money, company and shelter — the things that would make them feel relieved and grateful almost immediately. After a few years or so, thinking that they owe us their life, we began to order them around and control their personal life. If they refuse to obey, we’ll emotionally blackmail them.

It could also be gaslighting by telling someone that there’s something wrong with them repeatedly — lower their confidence and make them think that they have nowhere to go but to stay with us.

Control is not limited to a person; it can also be circumstances and events. Whether at work or even as simple as a trip to the grocery store and what to buy. We would plan how we’re going to get there, which route to take, time and so on — in detail. And if something goes wrong in between, we either feel frustrated or lost. We control outcomes mainly to feel secure.

What we don’t realise is that the urge to be in control, limits the infinite possibilities. When we’re focused only on a certain outcome, we unknowingly prevent the ones that are aligned with the real us, but yet to form.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION

Learning to Want

 

Suffering now doesn’t guarantee a secure future. I spent years saving for later, only to learn that everything we deserve is in the moment.

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I was mainly raised and cared for by my grandmother. She was a very thrifty and stingy person, so I was taught not to indulge or pamper myself too much. I had to beg or convince her if I wanted to buy something back then. She would say things like, I shouldn’t want the things I asked for. Slowly, I grew up unable to enjoy life in the moment. Somehow, somewhere deep inside me, I felt that I didn’t deserve to enjoy what I wanted back then. The food I love to eat, the clothes I love to wear, the places I love to visit, and the luxury items I want — I would still do them, but with a very different mentality, or sometimes because the people around me convinced me to enjoy certain things at the time.

Most of the time I would measure if it’s worth it or maybe leave it for later…when I have more money and so on. I thought I shouldn’t spend what I have. Sometimes I stocked up on things I use regularly, like kitchen condiments and skincare. But with the habit of saving them for later, I ended up keeping them for too long until I had to throw them away because they were expired — the bottles of sauces, the unopened boxes of products.

I hadn’t yet realised what I did, even after I felt the pain of throwing things away. I thought by doing so I was preparing myself for rainy days, for ‘maybe I might need them later’ practice. But what I didn’t realise was I delayed my entitlement to enjoy what I deserved there and then and yes, things can get better but we tend to forget that they can also get worse as we go on in life. For decades, I couldn’t enjoy, and I didn’t know how to enjoy them fully and comfortably. I had been doing this for as long as I could remember.

To be honest, when I denied my desires or pushed them away to be fulfilled later, back then, I could actually afford them with ease. Even after all these saving mindsets, life didn’t reward me with what I thought it would.

After years had passed, life finally threw me into circumstances I couldn’t avoid. I began to realise the chances I had back then to enjoy the things that I loved and didn’t. When the moments I can’t enjoy anything according to my desires anymore made me treasure the moments when I actually can, even if it’s briefly. Going through these experiences has made me start doing what I truly want and am able to do right here and now, instead of saving them for the future.

I realised that everything I can enjoy is actually now, in this very moment. There is really nothing to be kept for tomorrow. Nobody knows what’s going to happen to us in the next moment. Suffering now does not guarantee a secure future. Pain doesn’t mean gain.

And because nothing is ever guaranteed, being present in the moment is more valuable and more real.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION

Slave to Money: The High Cost of Losing Yourself

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Money is very important, and we need it for almost everything. Over time, we become slaves to it. Many of us do not realise it, but as we focus on money as the outcome, we begin drifting away from our true selves. 

Sometimes, we even brag about how we got the money. It can be from working our ass off to doing something against our will. Of course, some even go so far as to commit illegal or inhumane acts just for money. When our pockets are full, we think they can cover the embarrassment or the humiliation that comes with it. We start buying expensive and luxurious items to feel good. At least we think that making people jealous of us or living a luxurious life can justify our behaviour.

We believe that’s how money comes. The truth is, we’re the ones who decide how we want money to come to us. There isn’t any standard protocol for how money can come. Not cleverness, not hard work, not luck—but choosing ourselves first. The key is this: when money comes when we’re not being ourselves, it’s going to be that way moving forward. And when it comes while we’re being our true selves, it’s going to be that way too. 

Only the latter is long-lasting and sustainable, because one cannot live as another person forever.

Me First, Finally

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I never believed in quantity when it comes to friends. That’s why I take loyalty seriously. I have known my close friends for at least 15 to over 30 years. Some during elementary school, some in my teenage years, and some when I was working. I believed that if I treated them well and was always there for them, they would do the same. I was wrong. It doesn’t work that way. Let’s be honest, as human beings, we’re all selfish and should be. We should care for our own feelings first. I just didn’t care for myself enough to realise that back then.

Sometimes I wonder; why didn’t I get the response from them like how I would? I would always remember to wish them on birthdays, feel angry when someone mistreats them, and be there for them whenever they needed someone. It took me many years to realise that I was actually the one who needed all the support. I needed someone who would comfort me when I’m down, someone who would protect me when I’m scared—in short, someone who would be there for me no matter what. Instead, what I did was focus on others and at the same time, neglect my own feelings. Painful, but that’s what I did. I felt guilty for putting myself first.

A few years ago, I finally realised that someone can be me. I can be there for myself no matter what. I can put my feelings first. I can say no to anything or anyone if I don’t feel like it—I stopped sacrificing myself. The weight of being the one who always cares is being lifted little by little. Over time, I felt less resentful, less guilty and less responsible for others’ happiness. 

Be the Salesperson with Pride

 

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After being in the sales-related field for almost two decades, I concluded that, as a salesperson, we can sell with pride. The idea of being a salesperson wasn’t appealing to me at first. Someone once told me that as a salesperson, we must not have pride, and beg if we must—to meet targets—for the sake of the commission.

I was even more convinced it was true when a friend talked about how she begged and cried to her customers to close the deal. A few years later, after trying in the service and administration fields for about two years, I became a salesperson. Let’s admit that it was the fastest way to earn more money in a short period.

In the beginning, I took others’ advice—be patient even if they’re unreasonable, be convincing, bend over to please them, and many more unbelievable pieces of advice that I followed.

Over time, these behaviours were eating me alive from within. The thought of visiting the clients disgusted and annoyed me. My legs felt so heavy that I couldn’t bring myself to work. I began questioning myself if it was worth betraying my feelings for this.

Finally, in my last sales job, at the last company, I decided to save my soul. That’s when the realisation came. 

We do not need to betray ourselves working as a salesperson. We do not need to convince others so hard to buy something—if they want to, they will. If the deal is for us, we don’t need to overwork. We do not need to prove to them with tons of evidence that our product is good—they need to feel that we’re trustworthy.

Customers came to me, orders came in, and they were sharing my contact details in their community after I decided to stop chasing and proving myself.

Thankful, it has been the most relaxing and insightful few years of my career as a salesperson.

Will I Take This Photo If I Don't Share It?

Photo by Miguel Á. Padriñán on Pexels

I grew up in a weird family with many restrictions. Cooking in the kitchen was restricted because of the greasiness; television was not allowed after certain hours at night, and the food we had was mostly the same every week. 

Being the youngest at home, it can mean growing up in loneliness. So, the best entertainment I had was the television. We didn’t have any subscribed TV channels with the latest shows. We would rent some videotapes (and later VCDs) for some TV time. Even that was very limited—about two or three videos a week.

One day in school, my friend was talking and laughing about some music videos on a paid TV channel. I had no idea what she was talking about and just laughed at her funny expressions. She looked so happy, excited, sociable, and confident. That was when I felt that I was missing out—I felt small and inferior.

Years later, here comes social media. It all started with my friends asking if I had this account and if I had that account. They started talking about the games, the features, the stories, and the lifestyle posts others share. Smartphones were not as common as they are today, and so we either had to own a computer at home or visit the cyber cafés.

It was not easy for me to gain such access. Even my sister wouldn’t lend me her laptop back then. The fear of missing out in me grew bigger, and I would go to the cafés now and then just to keep myself updated.

Finally, when I owned a smartphone, I joined whatever social media was popular in that era just to stay close to the trend. Slowly, I noticed my friends or people behaved differently when we were out together. They would stare at their phones, swiping, as if they were sitting there alone. To be honest, I never liked that. 

I changed too. I would take photos of the food I was eating, of my friends and me when we were out drinking, and of the places I traveled to—sounds normal. Yes, and I did that for a few years just to share them on social media.

About 8 years ago, I was heartbroken after my relationship ended, and I noticed that I was checking him out, hoping to know what happened and why we had to end it. I went on and on for weeks. Frankly, I did find out the real reason and felt relieved, and in the process, it woke me up. I realised that I wasn’t being myself—I was clinging, obsessed. I even felt uneasy looking at other people’s posts—sad, angry, hopeless, and more.

This moment of realisation stopped me from all social media activities. No updating my posts, no checking out what’s new about others. I needed to come back to myself. When I did, slowly, questions started arising. Will I take photos of my food if I don’t plan to share them on my social media? Do I usually inform everyone where I am going or what I’m doing? The answer is no.

Why did I want to share them on social media? Was it attention? Was it showing off? Was it FOMO? And if there’s no social media, will I still do them? The answer is no. And so, I stopped doing them for 8 years and came back to myself. I love the quietness after removing myself from the unwanted noises. I still use them for online marketplaces or some work purposes. I use them as tools, nothing more.

When Life Doesn’t Reward Doing the Right Thing

 

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Sometimes we think that if we are disciplined, responsible, and good… 

everything will go well and turn out perfectly for us.

We deny our needs and feelings and 

prioritise others, work, schedules, and deadlines instead, 

only to have life throw one obstacle and hardship after another at us. 

Yes, these are life experiences…and honestly, they’re painful.

If both ways lead to the same outcome, why not choose the one that makes us happy and true to our own desires?

Not Willpower, Not Discipline - How I Finally Quit Smoking

 

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I’m currently in the midst of nicotine withdrawal, three weeks in now. I had been a smoker for 25 years and about a year ago, I started asking myself questions…will I be able to quit? And if I don’t, how much longer do I want to keep smoking?

Back then, I saw some people around me quit miraculously overnight, and that’s when I thought…ah…it’s not willpower or goal-setting. Sometimes life circumstances just throw themselves at you at the right time.

Throughout my smoking journey, many people asked me the same question…when are you going to quit? And my answer was always…when the moment comes.

Last December, life threw some circumstances at me that I couldn’t avoid, and I wasn’t able to buy cigarettes temporarily. So, I experienced my first attempt at withdrawal in my entire life. At first, it lasted three days. I believe I had a mild depression…the urge, the discomfort… I had to squeeze my hands and legs whenever the craving came, and I couldn’t sleep well on the third day. I failed the first time.

A few days later, the same circumstances made me face my second attempt, and this time it lasted four days. The symptoms were milder, but still unbearable. The habits, the hand gestures, the after-meal reward…they were killing me. And I failed the second time.

Finally, a few days later, for the same reason as the first two attempts, here came the third opportunity. This time, after several days had passed, the symptoms were bearable. There came a moment when I could have bought another pack and continued smoking, but I had a feeling that this could be the last opportunity to get myself out of this habit smoothly and with less stress, since it had been about four days since my last puff. And I made my choice…I was quitting for good.

I’ve now passed the third week and am feeling better every day. Sometimes the “ghost urge” still flickers, but it only lasts for seconds. After-meal moments were the worst at the beginning, but all of this is totally worth it because this was the best birthday and New Year’s gift I could have given myself. I can’t express enough how happy and proud I am of this achievement.

Noticing the environment around me feeling cleaner now enhances that feeling, and what other people think of as normal is now a new experience for me. No more worrying about how many sticks are left at certain hours, no more mentally calculating how many packs I can bring when I’m travelling…and so much more freedom in everything I do moving forward.

Frankly, I never regret smoking cigarettes for the past 25 years. I enjoyed it, and it accompanied me through all my thick and thin moments in life. It’s just that there are phases in everything we do in a lifetime, and this was simply part of my experience…one that I’m now moving beyond, into the years ahead, without holding a stick between my fingers anymore.

Fear of Being Alone and the Cost to Self-Worth

 

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Sometimes when we’re being mistreated or belittled, it’s easy to think it’s their fault. But often, it’s us not realising that we are worthy and deserve to be loved and treated well too.

Self-worth doesn’t mean we need to be somebody or to have achieved something in order to be worthy. Sometimes it’s just as simple as caring about how we truly feel inside and being prepared to break off certain relationships with certain people, even if we once thought they were good to us.

Fear of being left alone is often the reason why we do not want to admit that we’re being mistreated. We even find excuses or reasons to rationalise their behaviour.

The moment we admit to our fears, that’s when we begin to gain clarity.

Choosing Between Logic and What Feels Right

 

Image by TheUjulala from Pixabay

At times, we overthink when making decisions. We try to read other people’s thoughts, behaviours, and intentions… we analyse data, information, pros and cons, and more…because as humans, it’s natural for us to want certainty and security.

Over time, we forget how to trust our instincts… our feelings.

We are afraid of making mistakes, of making the wrong decisions. Sometimes the reason behind this fear might be the fear of being judged, or the annoyance of having to explain ourselves to someone… and so we think that by not making any mistakes, we can avoid these unnecessary troubles. But when it still happens, we regret not following our “gut” feeling.

The moment we accept that it’s okay to make mistakes, allow our true feelings to emerge, and trust our instincts…even when they don’t look certain or promising on the surface…that’s when the real paths begin to reveal themselves.