When Life Doesn’t Reward Doing the Right Thing

 

Sometimes we think that if we are disciplined, responsible, and good… 

everything will go well and turn out perfectly for us.

We deny our needs and feelings and 

prioritise others, work, schedules, and deadlines instead, 

only to have life throw one obstacle and hardship after another at us. 

Yes, these are life experiences…and honestly, they’re painful.

If both ways lead to the same outcome, why not choose the one that makes us happy and true to our own desires?

Not Willpower, Not Discipline - How I Finally Quit Smoking

 

I’m currently in the midst of nicotine withdrawal, three weeks in now. I had been a smoker for 25 years and about a year ago, I started asking myself questions…will I be able to quit? And if I don’t, how much longer do I want to keep smoking?

Back then, I saw some people around me quit miraculously overnight, and that’s when I thought…ah…it’s not willpower or goal-setting. Sometimes life circumstances just throw themselves at you at the right time.

Throughout my smoking journey, many people asked me the same question…when are you going to quit? And my answer was always…when the moment comes.

Last December, life threw some circumstances at me that I couldn’t avoid, and I wasn’t able to buy cigarettes temporarily. So, I experienced my first attempt at withdrawal in my entire life. At first, it lasted three days. I believe I had a mild depression…the urge, the discomfort… I had to squeeze my hands and legs whenever the craving came, and I couldn’t sleep well on the third day. I failed the first time.

A few days later, the same circumstances made me face my second attempt, and this time it lasted four days. The symptoms were milder, but still unbearable. The habits, the hand gestures, the after-meal reward…they were killing me. And I failed the second time.

Finally, a few days later, for the same reason as the first two attempts, here came the third opportunity. This time, after several days had passed, the symptoms were bearable. There came a moment when I could have bought another pack and continued smoking, but I had a feeling that this could be the last opportunity to get myself out of this habit smoothly and with less stress, since it had been about four days since my last puff. And I made my choice…I was quitting for good.

I’ve now passed the third week and am feeling better every day. Sometimes the “ghost urge” still flickers, but it only lasts for seconds. After-meal moments were the worst at the beginning, but all of this is totally worth it because this was the best birthday and New Year’s gift I could have given myself. I can’t express enough how happy and proud I am of this achievement.

Noticing the environment around me feeling cleaner now enhances that feeling, and what other people think of as normal is now a new experience for me. No more worrying about how many sticks are left at certain hours, no more mentally calculating how many packs I can bring when I’m travelling…and so much more freedom in everything I do moving forward.

Frankly, I never regret smoking cigarettes for the past 25 years. I enjoyed it, and it accompanied me through all my thick and thin moments in life. It’s just that there are phases in everything we do in a lifetime, and this was simply part of my experience…one that I’m now moving beyond, into the years ahead, without holding a stick between my fingers anymore.

Fear of Being Alone and the Cost to Self-Worth

 

Sometimes when we’re being mistreated or belittled, it’s easy to think it’s their fault. But often, it’s us not realising that we are worthy and deserve to be loved and treated well too.

Self-worth doesn’t mean we need to be somebody or to have achieved something in order to be worthy. Sometimes it’s just as simple as caring about how we truly feel inside and being prepared to break off certain relationships with certain people, even if we once thought they were good to us.

Fear of being left alone is often the reason why we do not want to admit that we’re being mistreated. We even find excuses or reasons to rationalise their behaviour.

The moment we admit to our fears, that’s when we begin to gain clarity.

Choosing Between Logic and What Feels Right

 

At times, we overthink when making decisions. We try to read other people’s thoughts, behaviours, and intentions… we analyse data, information, pros and cons, and more…because as humans, it’s natural for us to want certainty and security.

Over time, we forget how to trust our instincts… our feelings.

We are afraid of making mistakes, of making the wrong decisions. Sometimes the reason behind this fear might be the fear of being judged, or the annoyance of having to explain ourselves to someone… and so we think that by not making any mistakes, we can avoid these unnecessary troubles. But when it still happens, we regret not following our “gut” feeling.

The moment we accept that it’s okay to make mistakes, allow our true feelings to emerge, and trust our instincts…even when they don’t look certain or promising on the surface…that’s when the real paths begin to reveal themselves.

When Making Excuses for Others Hurts You More

 

Being overly understanding can bring down one’s self-esteem. When someone breaks their promises again and again, tells us we shouldn’t want what we want, says they can’t give us what we want, and that our expectations are ridiculously high… we end up making excuses or creating reasons for their behaviour. 

Trying to be understanding when we are truly sad and disappointed can hurt us further.

Over time, we may begin to believe that we’re not worthy enough to want what we truly want.

But when we are honest about what we really want and how we truly feel inside, and when we accept that not everyone is meant for us…even though we once thought they were…that’s when what’s truly meant for us begins to reveal itself, gradually.