Why I Stopped Giving Advice Unless Asked

No matter how much you want to save someone, your truth will always sound wrong to those who aren’t ready.

Photo by Aditya Saxena on Unsplash

I used to behave like a protector to other people. There were many incidents that happened in the past — mainly involving people around me. One of my girlfriends was the type to be controlled by the people around her. Her family treated her like a maid, and some of her friends would only use her to fill their free time. There were many times I felt so frustrated that she was being treated that way. I gave her some advice, tried to make her see what was happening, tried pulling her out of her situation, and gave her a wake-up call. In the end, she chose to continue being treated that way. The same thing happened again and again for many years — different people but similar situations.

Another time I accompanied my girlfriend to save a friend from being abused by her boyfriend. After that, we asked her to leave. She gave us many reasons as to why she wanted to stay with him. Again, I felt so frustrated and couldn’t understand these people. I thought it was totally a waste of my time.

A few years ago, my girlfriend was telling me about her trip with her family. She said she was the driver the whole time and her family was happily sleeping. The journey took about 4 hours to go and come back. She shared that if other people were to drive, she wouldn’t be able to sleep like that. She would feel tense and uncomfortable. I didn’t say a word, which I usually would. That’s when something hit me.

That was when I finally realised that, no matter how much we know that we’re right, it will only sound wrong to them. No matter how much we want to help others, it can only be done if they think it’s a problem and if they want to save themselves too.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION

I occasionally write personal reflections for individuals who want to see their pattern more clearly. Visit Sessions & Offerings if you’re ready for truth more than comfort.

Right, But Not Right for Us

We have all the clinical data in the world, but it’s meaningless if it’s not aligned with what our body actually needs.

Photo by Alexandra Tran on Unsplash

                                                     

I have been on a strict diet for more than two decades. Initially, it was reduced in portion. Over time, it became selective and gradually became a habit. Frankly, I was very proud of myself for being disciplined and being able to maintain a healthy weight. Having worked in the slimming industry before made me confident that I’m doing something right.

I even treated myself successfully for certain conditions using supplements, as I prefer the natural way. Traditional Chinese medicine and natural alternatives have always gained interest in me, but it feels too complicated to go deep into it.

I consider myself a health-conscious person. I thought I knew everything, but it turned out that the habits I had developed over the years were slowly killing me. To my understanding, whole foods are healthier, and more energy is needed to digest them — which helps to feel full longer, hence weight management. Dairy products, cold, raw meat and salad, al dente, cold drinks, whole foods, and more — while these may be nutritional with many benefits, they’re useless if our body can’t absorb any of them.

Recently, due to gum infection and toothache, I was unable to eat any solid foods. So, when I was searching for different types of recipes for my diet, I ended up learning about my body type through the TCM lens. Honestly, it is not fun at all to not be able to eat freely as before. But because of this, my body has a chance to heal from years of being overworked.

We treat a food coma like it’s normal. It’s actually the body signalling something is wrong.

I have been on a “zero chew” diet for days now — which was initially for my gums and tooth problem. In the end, my overall energy has improved, digestion is better, bloatedness is reduced, my body feels lighter, and there is less brain fog. I have to say, it’s truly a blessing in disguise. I can’t be on a soft diet for this long, if not because of the oral problems that I’m having now.

We can have all the information, clinical data, evidence — thinking we know everything. In the end, they are meaningless if they’re not right for us.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION. 

The Shadow Side of Support

Helping others often creates a debt of obedience. Here is how to recognise when support turns into emotional manipulation.

Photo by Qingbao Meng on Unsplash

Growing up surrounded by control freaks brought me clarity. Almost turned into one myself. Sometimes we use kindness, help and support to mask our controlling behaviour.

It could be when someone is divorcing and has kids to take care of. We stay with them, supporting them with money, company and shelter — the things that would make them feel relieved and grateful almost immediately. After a few years or so, thinking that they owe us their life, we began to order them around and control their personal life. If they refuse to obey, we’ll emotionally blackmail them.

It could also be gaslighting by telling someone that there’s something wrong with them repeatedly — lower their confidence and make them think that they have nowhere to go but to stay with us.

Control is not limited to a person; it can also be circumstances and events. Whether at work or even as simple as a trip to the grocery store and what to buy. We would plan how we’re going to get there, which route to take, time and so on — in detail. And if something goes wrong in between, we either feel frustrated or lost. We control outcomes mainly to feel secure.

What we don’t realise is that the urge to be in control, limits the infinite possibilities. When we’re focused only on a certain outcome, we unknowingly prevent the ones that are aligned with the real us, but yet to form.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION

Learning to Want

 

Suffering now doesn’t guarantee a secure future. I spent years saving for later, only to learn that everything we deserve is in the moment.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

I was mainly raised and cared for by my grandmother. She was a very thrifty and stingy person, so I was taught not to indulge or pamper myself too much. I had to beg or convince her if I wanted to buy something back then. She would say things like, I shouldn’t want the things I asked for. Slowly, I grew up unable to enjoy life in the moment. Somehow, somewhere deep inside me, I felt that I didn’t deserve to enjoy what I wanted back then. The food I love to eat, the clothes I love to wear, the places I love to visit, and the luxury items I want — I would still do them, but with a very different mentality, or sometimes because the people around me convinced me to enjoy certain things at the time.

Most of the time I would measure if it’s worth it or maybe leave it for later…when I have more money and so on. I thought I shouldn’t spend what I have. Sometimes I stocked up on things I use regularly, like kitchen condiments and skincare. But with the habit of saving them for later, I ended up keeping them for too long until I had to throw them away because they were expired — the bottles of sauces, the unopened boxes of products.

I hadn’t yet realised what I did, even after I felt the pain of throwing things away. I thought by doing so I was preparing myself for rainy days, for ‘maybe I might need them later’ practice. But what I didn’t realise was I delayed my entitlement to enjoy what I deserved there and then and yes, things can get better but we tend to forget that they can also get worse as we go on in life. For decades, I couldn’t enjoy, and I didn’t know how to enjoy them fully and comfortably. I had been doing this for as long as I could remember.

To be honest, when I denied my desires or pushed them away to be fulfilled later, back then, I could actually afford them with ease. Even after all these saving mindsets, life didn’t reward me with what I thought it would.

After years had passed, life finally threw me into circumstances I couldn’t avoid. I began to realise the chances I had back then to enjoy the things that I loved and didn’t. When the moments I can’t enjoy anything according to my desires anymore made me treasure the moments when I actually can, even if it’s briefly. Going through these experiences has made me start doing what I truly want and am able to do right here and now, instead of saving them for the future.

I realised that everything I can enjoy is actually now, in this very moment. There is really nothing to be kept for tomorrow. Nobody knows what’s going to happen to us in the next moment. Suffering now does not guarantee a secure future. Pain doesn’t mean gain.

And because nothing is ever guaranteed, being present in the moment is more valuable and more real.

Originally published on Medium in the publication ILLUMINATION

Slave to Money: The High Cost of Losing Yourself

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels

Money is very important, and we need it for almost everything. Over time, we become slaves to it. Many of us do not realise it, but as we focus on money as the outcome, we begin drifting away from our true selves. 

Sometimes, we even brag about how we got the money. It can be from working our ass off to doing something against our will. Of course, some even go so far as to commit illegal or inhumane acts just for money. When our pockets are full, we think they can cover the embarrassment or the humiliation that comes with it. We start buying expensive and luxurious items to feel good. At least we think that making people jealous of us or living a luxurious life can justify our behaviour.

We believe that’s how money comes. The truth is, we’re the ones who decide how we want money to come to us. There isn’t any standard protocol for how money can come. Not cleverness, not hard work, not luck—but choosing ourselves first. The key is this: when money comes when we’re not being ourselves, it’s going to be that way moving forward. And when it comes while we’re being our true selves, it’s going to be that way too. 

Only the latter is long-lasting and sustainable, because one cannot live as another person forever.